20 Apologies for your Bartender

For all the times your bartender held back from saying image

1. I’m sorry for waving you down when i wasn’t ready to order (or turning around to ask what my friends want after aggressively grabbing your attention)

2. I’m sorry I asked you what was on draft when my face was right in front of the taps

3. I’m sorry I asked if you had liquor when if I had looked would have seen a full bar displayed in plain sight

4. I’m sorry for wasting your time asking stupid questions when you were busy

5. I’m sorry for singing karaoke when I know I can’t sing

6. I’m sorry I complained that my martini was too strong

7. I’m sorry for thinking it’s acceptable to leave $1 tip on $50 worth of shots

8. I’m sorry for forgetting to close my tab and therefore not tipping

9. I’m sorry for taking the signed credit card receipt with the tip amount written on it

10. I’m sorry for complaining that my tab expressed exactly as much as I had ordered

11. I’m sorry for telling you that I can’t taste the alcohol in my vodka cranberry

12. I’m sorry for making you go back and forth 4 times when you could have made all 4 drinks at once.

13. I’m sorry for whispering my drink order amongst a crowd full of people

14. I’m sorry for making you ask me 5 times if you wanted to close out or start a tab

15. I’m sorry for stiffing you when you cut me off

16. I’m sorry I didn’t have my payment ready when you brought me my drinks

17. I’m sorry for the sarcastic eye-rolling smirk when you asked to see my ID (for those under 25)

18. I’m sorry I asked if you wanted to see my ID when I’m clearly over 40. It’s not funny

19. I’m sorry for spilling my drink and expecting you to make another one on the house

20. I’m sorry I pretended not to understand the subliminal message of Semisonic’s “Closing Time” when the lights come on at 3AM


Well I Guess This Is Growing Up

Long lived the days when I could go out drinking like Tara Reid and wake up the next morning with enough energy to run a 5K and go about my day just as functionally as if I had not consumed any alcohol the night before. Nowadays the day after a wild night is spent permanently attached to my bed and/or couch ordering $55 worth of Chinese delivery and watching a Love it or List it marathon on HGTV. I have to face it; I just can’t party like I used to. Sometimes it takes up to a few days to fully recover from a hangover while I remind myself “I am never drinking again.” I can only imagine how much worse these hangovers will be years from now if they are this bad now. I know they are increasing with age and I’m not looking forward to it.


I’m not in college anymore so I’m no longer aloud to go out and be “that girl.” I have sort of entered the real world, so what I do in public could make or break me. I can’t go out and make a fool of myself with the likelihood of me running into a coworker. I can no longer post pictures of myself and my friends taking shots, dancing on bars and looking a hot mess all over the internet.


Is it wrong that I would prefer sitting at home drinking wine and watching movies rather than go out to a bar, take shots and dance like a ratchet white girl? Does this mean I’m getting old? When I go out drinking, I have to set aside at least an entire day dedicated to being hungover and I just don’t have time for that anymore.

aint nobody got time for that

Maybe my perceptions are skewed right now since I am battling a hangover as I type, but maybe I’m just growing up.