Month: July 2014

Lies That Alcohol Has Told Me

Over the past 7 years of my borderline alcoholic life, I have trusted my inner-drunk-self with some pretty shitty advice. When the problem that I have come to realize, is that I really shouldn’t have trusted any of those ideas all along. Unfortunately enough, my dear friend alcohol can be extremely convincing at times; it’s like peer pressure of adulthood! So I have compiled a list of ten lies that alcohol has told me over the years, and hopefully next time, I will remember that none of this is not good advice to follow.image

1. You’re a great dancer!

2. You’re also reeeally good at karaoke

3. You should call your ex!

4. You can eat as much fast food as you want and you won’t regret it in the morning

5. You can totally handle another shot

6. The girl you met in the bathroom is your new BFF, so you can tell her anything!

7. You don’t your shoes

8. Speak up; the people 10 feet away from you might miss out on your awesome conversation

9. Don’t worry, you have nothing to do tomorrow so you can stay out all night

10. You’re not that drunk

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50 Questions To Ask Your Crush To See If They’re Right For You

Great for anyone, not just your crush. I’d ask anyone these!

Thought Catalog

A 40-something woman I’m friends with told me about a date she was on where the guy asked her what her favorite color was. She broke it off right then because, as she explained, at her age she had deep life experiences and if he was only interested in superficial crap like color preferences, they were incompatible. With that in mind, I collected a a cheat sheet of questions that can speak to your potential partner’s substance (or lack thereof). Or, at least give you something to talk about if it turns out you don’t have awesome conversation chemistry.

1. What is one thing you will never do again?

2. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy?

3. What happened the last time you cried?

4. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something?

5. What would your…

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20 Apologies for your Bartender

For all the times your bartender held back from saying image

1. I’m sorry for waving you down when i wasn’t ready to order (or turning around to ask what my friends want after aggressively grabbing your attention)

2. I’m sorry I asked you what was on draft when my face was right in front of the taps

3. I’m sorry I asked if you had liquor when if I had looked would have seen a full bar displayed in plain sight

4. I’m sorry for wasting your time asking stupid questions when you were busy

5. I’m sorry for singing karaoke when I know I can’t sing

6. I’m sorry I complained that my martini was too strong

7. I’m sorry for thinking it’s acceptable to leave $1 tip on $50 worth of shots

8. I’m sorry for forgetting to close my tab and therefore not tipping

9. I’m sorry for taking the signed credit card receipt with the tip amount written on it

10. I’m sorry for complaining that my tab expressed exactly as much as I had ordered

11. I’m sorry for telling you that I can’t taste the alcohol in my vodka cranberry

12. I’m sorry for making you go back and forth 4 times when you could have made all 4 drinks at once.

13. I’m sorry for whispering my drink order amongst a crowd full of people

14. I’m sorry for making you ask me 5 times if you wanted to close out or start a tab

15. I’m sorry for stiffing you when you cut me off

16. I’m sorry I didn’t have my payment ready when you brought me my drinks

17. I’m sorry for the sarcastic eye-rolling smirk when you asked to see my ID (for those under 25)

18. I’m sorry I asked if you wanted to see my ID when I’m clearly over 40. It’s not funny

19. I’m sorry for spilling my drink and expecting you to make another one on the house

20. I’m sorry I pretended not to understand the subliminal message of Semisonic’s “Closing Time” when the lights come on at 3AM

Lies that we are all guilty of

Face it- we’ve all done it. I’m not quite sure why, but for one reason or another, we just can’t all be Honest Abe’s 100% of the time. It’s not like it’s a crime, or we are causing any harm by doing it, but WE ALL LIE. And there’s some lies that we are all guilty of telling.

1. I have read and agree to the terms and services
Truth: I could be signing my soul away to the devil right now, but I’m too lazy to read all that fine print.

2. I’ll be ready in five minutes
Truth: I’m running around frantically in my underwear trying on everything in my closet, and I won’t be ready for at least 15 minutes.

3. Ohhh, I get it! That makes sense now.
Truth: You don’t get it but you’re too embarrassed to admit that you still don’t understand what their talking about

4. No officer, I have no idea how fast I was going
Truth #1: I’m not sure what the speed limit is, I think I was going about 80 so I don’t want to chance it.
Truth #2: I was going 80 and I know the speed limit is 55. I just didn’t see you.

5. I’m fine.
Truth: You’re not fine. You’re anything but fine. But you don’t want to talk about it

6. OMG, I never do this!
Truth: You do this. You just don’t want the other person to know. Anyone who goes out of their way to tell someone that they don’t do something is probably a seasoned pro; they just don’t want to admit it.

7. I’m going to start dieting and working out
Truth: No you won’t. Actions speak louder than words, my friend. Don’t talk about it, be about it.

8. I’m not drunk
Truth: You think you can handle your alcohol and seem sober to others. But you don’t.

9. I’ll do it tomorrow
Truth: Tomorrow comes around and you say “I’ll do that tomorrow”

10. I’m only having one drink
Truth: You might even be good enough to have just two, more often than not, you won’t be so lucky. But you can never have just one.